Disturbia

First I have to talk about my little kitties and their sleeping habits and then I will tell you about the crazy dream I had last night.

My cats always always always sleep with me, which is one of my favorite things about them. The other morning I woke up and Reuben was resting next to my body in my arm and Phineas was on the pillow by my head with his own head pressed against my face and his paw on my cheek. I almost died of happiness and again asked myself why I ever even get out of my bed. Then, last night both of them were on the pillow next to me. Reuben was the right next to me and Phinny next to him. I would alternate between petting them, but apparently Phineas got jealous of Reuben and he climbed right on top of him. The crazy thing was that Reuben let him stay there and the two of them just purred and purred until I fell asleep. I love my kitties!

Okay, now for the dream. There was a pregnant lady, who happened to be Addison Shepard, in an office building. She suddenly collapsed and it was determined that the only way to get the baby out was to do this radical procedure where they amputated her body at the chest and also amputated her arms, then took the twin babies out of her womb. While they were doing the surgery there was this creepy anesthesiologist who kept coming into the OR and putting a baggy under her body to catch the dripping blood for the surgery that he was in. Okay, that is totally SICK. Once the babies had been delivered and the mom had recovered, the doctor discovered that the babies were born with a full set of teeth except they all looked like molars so the doctor started to file them down. The thing was we never saw the face of the doctor until he comes to the mom (remember she is just a chest and head) to tell her that her babies are half dinosaur. When we see his face we see that he has the same bazaar teeth-dun dun DUN!!!!!

ps I just found out that Elder Wirthlin died...I hate Texas!

Another one bites the dust

"Oh, it didn't work out." I have often thought about that phrase and how odd it is. It really only works out if a couple gets married in the end, right? Maybe? You guessed it, yesterday I got the big "I think you are beautiful and I am attracted to you, but I just don't see this going much further." The truth is I was fighting off similar feelings, but put them away as just anxiety of going into another relationship, but it still hurts to be dumped. After a good cry, I realized that although 'it' may not have 'worked out' in the normal sense I think that this is how things are suppose to work, and so yes, it did work out and here is why:

1. I had a good time with him
2. I am still me. I didn't lose any part of me in this, and most importantly he didn't take any part of who I am, if anything he lifted me up
3. He made me feel beautiful (and told me I was) without making me feel like that is all I was or that is all he wanted from me
4. He was respectful of my requests and communicated openly about them
5. He actually broke up with me
6. ...he loved my cats:)

So, yeah it worked out, because this time I will be okay...I am okay.

Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter, Spring...

On April 28, 2006 my life changed. I haven't felt like a performer has deserved a standing ovation since that day (keep in mind at BYU the standing O is given to everyone) Well, here is the exciting news: I get to experience that exhilaration of be thrust to one's feet by the emotions that come from music alone with out knowning what is happening at the end of a piece all over again, like the thrill of a first kiss. Yes,Joshua Bell is coming to Houston in January and I just bought tickets. I can hardly contain myself, literally.

An Attitude of Gratitude...yes, yes, yes!

This post is late for the normal Thanksgiving-type post, but I don't really care because I can be grateful whenev, right? RIGHT! So, the first thing i am thankful for are lists. They make organizing so much easier and blogging, therefore the rest of this post will be a list of other things i am grateful for.

*Family. obvi, but still, my family is pretty much the best and i haven't laughed as hard as i have this weekend for a long time

*Kitties. I just realized that "the blog" doesn't even know about Reuben even though i have had him since august. But since i talk to pretty much all of you on a regular basis you know about my two dears that make me happier than almost anything else.

*Friends. I love the way Melanie always follows through on our ridiculous antics and encourages me to be the person she knows i am and how Allison has the perfect quote or scripture to lift my spirits. It amazes me that Sterling manages to call me just at the right time, when I feel like I can't take another step alone and how it feels like Andrea is holding my hand from 1500 miles away.

*The Gospel. I couldn't make it without my testimony.

*Plastic. Not only does plastic make life much more convenient, it also pays my salary and in these troubling times i am grateful for a good job that i enjoy.

*Carpools. my carpool ROCKS! it saves me a ton of money, miles on my car, and the company has been a blessing in my life. I just remembered one of my favorite things that Brian has said. This summer we were walking outside together at the plant and I said, "Holy cow, it is freaking hot today!" His response, "Close your eyes and it won't seem so hot."

*Nevada. Home is where your mommy is, also the mountains...

*Texas. yep, i said it. there are things that i do like...I'm having a hard time thinking of them right now, but they do exist-mostly the people that i have met, though. All i know is that i am supposed to be there and that is good enough for me.

*satellite radio *cardigans *really great sales *lotion *babies *tights *catnip *the litter-robot *the perfect Christmas present *books *Primary *lavender *yoga (yo-ja) *violin *byu *the Gap * airplanes *dry shampoo *mexico tipico *hugs

A Pinch...and then a Poke.

Growing up in the home of a registered nurse has it's pros and cons. Pro: there always seems to be just the right medicine for your ailment in the cabinet. Con: you get desensitized to "medical talk" and it sometimes makes it's way into everyday conversation, when it REALLY shouldn't. Pro: access to home topical lidocaine. Con: flu shots. Pro: knowing basic anatomy and disease diagnostics without ever taking a class. Con: the kitchen island and overhead fluorescents easily become the family operating table. Which brings me to my point, that cold stone island is the source of many traumatizing events in the lives of my siblings and myself. From the time Rachel had to have raisins extracted from her nose with needle nose pliers (I think they call them forceps in the OR) to the howling pain of the tiniest sliver being wiggled out of my finger after I had let it fester for a week. For some strange reason I have been thinking a lot about that table-island- lately and all of those experience. Often I would wait and wait and wait after I got a splinter in my hand or foot before confessing to my mom that I needed help getting it out, even though I knew it would feel much better. In the mean time the surrounding area would swell, bleed, and extrude pus until finally I admit I needed help (not always voluntarily -"easy way or hard way?") and succumb to the tweezers, needles, alcohol and other medical things that I was too afraid to look at.

I think that the until about a month ago I have had a gigantic sliver in my heart that has stung, ached and bled. I wanted the wound it made upon entry to heal, I prayed to have it heal…it tried to heal, but it couldn't because the sliver was still there. Then a month ago I got that D email and I couldn't take it any more. I just couldn't hurt anymore and I let the sliver come out. It felt like I crawled up on the island (I think I took the "hard way," though) and through the Atonement my heart was literally changed. I won't say that there is no longer an open wound, because there most definitely is, but now it can heal the way it was suppose to six months ago.

PS I am not saying a little Neosporin ever hurt anything, either:)
PPS Plus, I can safely listen to 80's music again-dance party, anyone?

It only comes but twice a year...

New York Fashion Week, that is. And this year was no exception to the normal excitement, celebrity buzz, and fabulous clothes. Here is a little taste of what I loved and a little of what I could have lived without.

For years my favorite designer has been Oscar de la Renta and for good reason. Year after year, season after season he turns out amazing collections that seem to capture the complete essence of what I want to look like when I grow up, or at lest dress up. This season was no exception and I give the best collection award to him.



Now, if you will fondly remember last season's Carolina Herrera collection (Fall 2008,) it was nothing short of amazing, but the extremely long feathers in riding caps really through me off. Luckily this season she not only had an delicious collection, but the most georgeous hair I have ever seen in recent years on the runway. Seriously, everday since I watched the show I have worn my hair in some modification of what was seen on her runway. Simply feminine and delightful.

Normally I love the simplicity of the Calvin Klein Collection. This spring something went terribly wrong. He was true to his colors, literally. For the spring collection he usually goes with a nude/neutral pallet which is beautiful, but the simplicity that normally makes the CK collection so beautiful and true to the feminine form was lost in bizaar geometric forms like this one:
WTCK?

I was going to comment on my favorite makeup and such, but I can't really decide, so I will tell a story instead. Gather round children. Far, far away in the great state of Texas nobody ever wears brown mascara and therefore it is nearly impossible to purchase in the store. A young lady, by the name of Emilee was absolutely heartbroken when she could not hunt down a tube of Maybelline Full and Soft mascara in brown, so she settled for brown black...what a horrible mistake! The mascara was clumpy, dry, and irritated her sensitive eyes day after day (not to mention the shade did nothing for her baby blues) until she had finally had enough. Emilee decided that she would try a new mascara: Cover Girl Exact Lash. The verdict- LOVE,LOVE, LOVE!!!! She was in love<3> But what I really want is the new Givenchy mascara, I have been eyeing it for months.

Confession...

I just figured out what "Y2K" stands for. Enlightening, really.

La Vida es Sueno

I had a dream the other night that was more poignant than most of my dreams of late:
It was the right after graduation in the Marriott center and all of us were rushing out to find our families and proceeding up the spiral ramps and over to the ASB parking lot. Everybody looked the same in their black gowns and caps, smiling because of their accomplishments and although I was with Melanie and Sterling I was frantic. You see this was also the night I was getting married and we were in a huge hurry to get to the temple to take pictures, get married and have the reception. So, the three of us were pushing the crowd. I was wearing a wedding dress and holding a bouquet of wilted lilies (I hate lilies.) When we finally made it to the temple and found my family (there were several other wedding parties) we all started taking pictures. The only problem was He wasn't there and everybody kept asking me when he was going to get there, because not even His family knew. Every time I had to explain that He would be there right before the ceremony it killed me inside and the tears started to form in my tear ducts. It killed me because I had to make excuses for him yet again and it killed me because he didn't care about the things that were important to me, like the pictures with family and friends. I decided that I wanted to take pictures anyway, so I took them with my family and with my friends while everybody ate what was described to me as the "variety pack" of pizza, which had all the norms plus weird combos like pepperoni with hard-top chocolate sauce. While we were taking pictures another party was setting up their reception (somehow we weren't actually at the temple anymore) and they had the most amazing decorations in the world and the bride had exactly the dress I wanted. I had exactly the dress I don't want and when my mom saw me eyeing their décor she told me I had some "3-D" decorations at my reception which were actually just dress forms wearing Victorian dresses. We continue to wait for Him and I continue to make excuses for why He isn't there yet.
…and then I wake up - crying.

My $700 shower curtain

some people cut their hair, some people buy new clothes, others join a gym, or frequent the bar. I finally cut my hair-figuratively. i bought a kitten, and that was like buying a shower curtain only he cuddles with me. oh, the little dear!

ps it is impossible to find a chic magazine holder in victoria, tx

"my friend and yours, BRIAN FRIEDMAN"

"Tell me about a time that you showed initiative."
... For a year and a half i have owned the brian friedman instructional dance video, "freestyle," and for a year and a half when we watch the beginning and the announcer mentions all of the artists that brian has worked with, including brittney spears, n'sync, hillary duff, mya, ashanti, we launch a five minute discussion about the mention of jewel and how an artist like jewel could possibly need a choreographer. well, of course my trip to utah this last week included reminiscing about 'the good old times' (ie andrea and spending 3 hrs trying to learn overprotected and only getting 3 counts into it-um, it is booty hard) and of course wondering what on earth brian choreographed for jewel. i pledged to my dear friends that i would find out, once and for all. this is what i have discovered:
"Friedman has also appeared on shows such as VH1 Divas Live 2003 with Beyoncé, Jewel, Ashanti, and Queen Latifah" This launched my search and i found the following video of beyonce and jewel. please note that even brian friedman can't teach jewel to dance and beyonce is in fact who i aspire to be in my secret life-



also, i found this video of a rehearsal for the event (you can hear brian giving cues in the background) although i couldn't find the performance:




...and to think, i failed a personality test because i only showed as much initiative as my classmates.
ps this won't be the last brian friedman post. as i become myself again, i am coming to love him again-it is part of me

Big Cat Diary #1

how many times did andrea and i hold each other on the couch and cry our faces off watching some documentary about baby white tigers or jaguars? approx. 1 million. here is the best one of all. I could get into the true meaning of friendship and love and that sort of stuff, because i have a lot of thoughts on that, but just watch this- andrea and melanie, you will cry. allison, i already know what you will say, "tender."




*there is a longer version (over an hour long) if you want to watch that too:) just search for christian the lion

control freak

i have done a lot of self reflection lately and one of the things that i have been thinking about is fear, and more specifically the thing that ties all of my fears together. guess what it is...i said guess. this may come as no surprise to those of you that know me well, but admitting it is the first step right? losing control. yes, as in missy elliott's smash hit of 2004 (coincidence? probably) let's look at my most irrational fear, for example. it is extremely unlikely that i will get attacked by a killer whale or fall into a humpback whale tank, but the fear is real. it is real because in this situation i would have absolutely no control over the outcome. so, i mitigate it by staying out of kayaks on the ocean and away from the front row of the orca show at marine world africa USA.

all this self reflection (the 2hr drive to austin, tx) made me think about all of the things that i would control if i could. these things wouldn't necessarily make the world a better place, in fact i know they wouldn't, but they would remove the spikes on the walls that seem to be closing in around me (that, i am afraid of): if i had it my way What not to Wear would only have one host for a while, on XM radio the classical station would only play russian composers and the 80's station would only play songs that concerned politics, all mid-size sedans would be of the toyota variety, it would be the end of august already, i would have never read the national geographic as a child, no body would wear white, not in cotton, silk, satin, rayon, eyelet lace and certainly not tulle, seismologists predictions for the last 50 years would actually be right-it might be easier that way, shower curtains would be something that came standard in every apartment along with a little kitty, and derek shepard's hair would be a lovely shade of blonde. if i could control these things i might not be afraid.

things that kill me about texas

1. hogs*

2. roadkill*

3. i have a degree in "kimical engineering"

4. sacrament meeting is a little bit like country karaoke

5. people have rusted out process vessels in their front yards- seriously

6. i have to put on deodorant more than once a day

7. did you know that fire ant bites turn into things that look like pimples after a few hours? i do

8. BUGS!

9. chewing tobacco...someone actually offered me "a dip." can you believe that?

10. malt-o-meal's version of golden grahams has some weird sugar powder on it that makes it not quite as delicious and comforting, plus it leaves a weird aftertaste.

11. you can actually buy blonde bobby pins (this is one of those things that kills me in the best way possible)

12. church marquis: I think my favorite is at The Jesus Church that says, "TGIF: thank god i'm forgiven"

13. the complete lack of respect for conventions of the english language. yes, i don't use caps, but that is more of a statement (like e.e. cummings).

14. for the first time in my life i have to try not to swear. the operators in my unit use the most foul language (worse than melanie on the way to church, if you can believe that :D) and i am starting to think "that-a" way.

15. my hair has the most amazing amount of volume you can imagine.

16. i have no doubt that in this great state my little dear, hugh manatee, will make it to her final resting place at a demolition derby...may she rest in peace.

17. i miss my mommy

*these items can usually be combined, and we aren't talking a dead hog on the side of the road, it is more like a dead hog for 20 feet on the side of the road.

***EMO ALERT***

a few years ago a friend of mine, brett bardsley, said something that has really impacted the last month and a half of my life. he said, "i couldn't make it through a day without my friends and i couldn't make it through an hour without my family." since leaving the safe haven of provo in may, i have never felt more scared, more broken, and more alone. but on the other hand it has taken for me to be completely alone in a strange place to realize how not alone i actually am. i have been so blessed in my life to meet and become friends with the most amazing people on earth. they have taken turns calling me, crying for hours with me, praying for me, and reminding me of the person that i used to be. i really couldn't have made it through a single day without them. plus, who else has friends that call you in the middle of the night and leave messages singing "total eclipse of the heart" for you to wake up to at 0300? pretty sure that would only be me.

then there is my family. anyone who has ever met them knows how amazing they are (and by that i mean amazingly hilarious, except nicholas.) brett was right when he said that he couldn't make it through an hour without family. I really couldn't. I just hope they will have mercy on me at the next family vote to see who is the funniest, considering my current circumstances, i fear i might not maintain my current reign on top spot...rachel has been ridiculously funny as of late.

a tribute to better times

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I want you to judge me...that, i can deal with.