control freak

i have done a lot of self reflection lately and one of the things that i have been thinking about is fear, and more specifically the thing that ties all of my fears together. guess what it is...i said guess. this may come as no surprise to those of you that know me well, but admitting it is the first step right? losing control. yes, as in missy elliott's smash hit of 2004 (coincidence? probably) let's look at my most irrational fear, for example. it is extremely unlikely that i will get attacked by a killer whale or fall into a humpback whale tank, but the fear is real. it is real because in this situation i would have absolutely no control over the outcome. so, i mitigate it by staying out of kayaks on the ocean and away from the front row of the orca show at marine world africa USA.

all this self reflection (the 2hr drive to austin, tx) made me think about all of the things that i would control if i could. these things wouldn't necessarily make the world a better place, in fact i know they wouldn't, but they would remove the spikes on the walls that seem to be closing in around me (that, i am afraid of): if i had it my way What not to Wear would only have one host for a while, on XM radio the classical station would only play russian composers and the 80's station would only play songs that concerned politics, all mid-size sedans would be of the toyota variety, it would be the end of august already, i would have never read the national geographic as a child, no body would wear white, not in cotton, silk, satin, rayon, eyelet lace and certainly not tulle, seismologists predictions for the last 50 years would actually be right-it might be easier that way, shower curtains would be something that came standard in every apartment along with a little kitty, and derek shepard's hair would be a lovely shade of blonde. if i could control these things i might not be afraid.